by Emily Peck
In a dark time in my life, I dreamt a Woman told me to trust Her. I figured my dream meant to trust God but I was confused why God was a Woman. I was 16 and all I was told about a Heavenly Mother was that she was too sacred. I left it. I was ignorant and I didn’t know how to face the contradicting theologies. On the one hand, a strong woman who would help me face my life problems and on the other a woman that doesn’t show her face. I wish I gave into the first theology but for a while I chose the second, ignoring the figure in my life that was reaching out to help me and heal me. Subconsciously this theology sunk into me in a negative way. If one day I am going to be a heavenly mother then these characteristics of how others described her must be how I should act. Submissive, quiet, and sadly it led me to believe that men were more important in the church than women were. For a while, I didn’t want to be a woman. I was ashamed of my body. I didn’t want to be silent, I didn’t want to be submissive, and in the end, I didn’t want to be too sacred. I wanted to be heard. But I wasn’t and so I stopped trying.
I went on a mission and as a woman, I wasn’t believed, taken seriously and the things that hurt weren’t important because my hurt “wasn’t real”. Around this time my dad sent me poems about Heavenly Mother by Rachel Hunt-Steenblik. The Woman in her poems was strong, capable, and confident. She was also kind but firm. Once I got home I read the rest of the poems she wrote. I cried every single time, I felt a presence that had been trying to reach out to for so long that I ignored. I felt my Mother heal me. She wrapped her arms around me. She healed the idea that men were better than women. I began to realize my worth as a woman in the church and women’s importance in the church. She healed the hurt no one believed was there. I started to love my womanhood. I say the beauty in my body. I grew confident in myself. She taught me what it meant to be a strong woman. She taught me I had a voice and the importance of sharing it. She taught me how to love those that didn’t understand the oppression I felt as a woman. I regret that for a while I wasn’t strong and ignored Her effort to help me but my relationship to Her changed everything.
Our Heavenly Mother isn’t hiding behind the Father because she is “too sacred”. She is by His side. Equals. They are equally as sacred. She reaches out to us and can change how we view ourselves. I will forever be grateful to my Mother. I can trust Her and I know my worth as a woman because of her.