Earlier this year, I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). When I was first diagnosed, I had a lot of anxiety and depression come along with it. I struggled to find the motivation to connect with God, specifically Heavenly Mother, during this time and felt guilty because of it. I was aware that Heavenly Mother could help me but couldn’t bring myself to reach out. For months I gave half-hearted efforts to connect with Heavenly Mother. I attempted to find Her through ways that had helped me connect to Her before, such as poetry and art, but those things suddenly didn’t have any pull. I felt a disconnect from my Heavenly Parents. I felt that I could not get out of the darkness I felt inside of me.
What helped me reconnect to Heavenly Mother was first, getting the help I needed, such as therapy and medications, and second, connecting with Heavenly Mother in simple ways. These ways, for me, included being outside. I would lay out on the grass and just breathe. For a while, that was all I could do. I allowed myself just to breathe and not think about daily obligations. I also started hiking with some friends and found myself connecting to Heavenly Mother while walking through the forests.
On one particular hike, I began to feel a bit anxious because my friend and I had not seen anyone else on the trail in a while, and I felt isolated. Then I had the thought that Heavenly Mother was with me and that my friend and I were safe. It was not anything miraculous, but that simple thought decreased the anxiety I felt. I still felt anxiety, but I felt that Heavenly Mother was walking with me in anxiety. Walking through the forest, I felt more connected to Her than I had in months. I felt Her presence in the trees and the mountains. After that experience hiking, I started feeling Her presence every time I went hiking. As time went on, I started seeing Her in nature around me, not just in the mountains, but whenever I walked by a tree, I felt that She was aware of me even in the darkness I felt.
I realized that feeling connected to Heavenly Mother was not the absence of the darkness I felt, but Her presence walking beside me in my darkness. It is still hard for me to find moments of peace, and I often have mistaken that as not feeling connected to the divine. But I have discovered that amid my anxiety and depression, Heavenly Mother has been a gentle light in my darkness.